Funny Funny

My sister-in-law just sent me this email and it was so funny it made me laugh out loud ... for quite a while. I just had to share it!


How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg- lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day!
And, "woo woo"!!!

Coffee Talk

I can't seem to get my eyes open today. I think I'm going to have to do something about that. I've got a few articles I've got to work on and time's-a-wastin'. Now that I am legitimately allowed to call myself a writer ... by legend that means my beverages of choice are coffee or whiskey, right? I'm not a big fan of whiskey, that would make me barf and then I'd just crawl back in bed. Coffee it is, then!

Speaking of coffee ... did I mention that my cousins own THE best coffee company? They are in the Central Coast of California - which is ideal coffee atmosphere. Nice foggy mornings, mild to warm days, and foggy evenings with a bit of chill in the air. Can you tell I love the fog there? Can you tell I'm insanely jealous that they get to live in such gorgeous natural surroundings all year round? And, did you know that the pictures in the top right sidebar of my blog were taken in that area, not far from where one of my cousins lives?

I'm a native Las Vegan - I love my city. But Las Vegas is not known for having much "coffee weather" ... 120 degrees of sweltering heat makes you want to down a gallon of ice water, not hot java.

But from November on, especially this beautiful February weather, it's perfect. And yes, I know that in warmer / hotter months I can make iced coffee at home (that tastes a hell of a lot better than that icky, bitter Starbucks dreck) but I've finally gotten the hang of the perfect cup of hot coffee. Give me a little time and this summer I may accomplish the perfect iced coffee too.

Yes, that's their logo on top there. Be a pal and take a look at their site. Be a better pal and buy some coffee! I swear, there are a bazillion different flavors available and I haven't had one yet that I didn't like. Morning Fog Lifter, German Blend, Colombian ... those are three of my family's favorites. And the Irish Creme and Creme Brulee are indescribably good.

Now I am really craving the java. Gotta go.

Oooooh, I can have a cookie too ......

http://www.sloroasted.com/

Oscar Night

Tonight was one of the most fun family evenings we've had. Kirk, Katie, Payton and I spent most of the evening eating, playing cards and watching the Oscar broadcast. We rarely watch the entire show - we just tune in for the last half hour or so for the best actress, actor, director and movie awards ... if we watch it at all.

This year was different because Kirk's sister Kelly got to attend! She called and said she was sitting in the fifth row from the stage and was wearing a champagne-colored dress, sitting next to a woman wearing a red dress and another wearing a pink dress. After that tidbit of information, our evening turned into an insanely goofy game of "Where's Waldo" with us searching her out every time the cameras panned the crowd. We were all searching, chanting "Pink, red, champagne ... pink, red, champagne ... pink, red, champagne..."

We were most likely to get a glimpse of her when the award-winner was walking up to the stage and the camera was panning across the audience behind them ... the utter insanity of our evening was evident when we all started shouting at the poor winners to "Move! Get out of the way!" and craning our necks to see around them ... because they were blocking our view of the audience behind them. Completely and totally mad, I know.

I am proud to brag and report that I won the first round of "Find Waldo-Kelly", and then every one else "won" too. Kirk and I both realized it seemed a lot like the scene in "That Thing You Do" when the drummer's family sees them on t.v for the first time and they're all pointing and shouting like idiots. Yes, that was exactly what we looked and sounded like.

I'm also a bit embarrassed to report I'm going to have to clean the t.v. screen first thing tomorrow to get the fingerprints off from all of us pointing her out. From what we we able to see, Kel - you looked gorgeous!!

And now for something completely different .... (thank you Monty Python) ... I can't just brag about my family member and not share my opinion of the show itself.

As far as the program itself goes - I just have to rave about the host. Kirk and I have watched The (A) Daily Show forever and think Jon Stewart is one of the funniest people on the planet. Like I said, we rarely watch the Oscars but if Jon is hosting we usually tune it. The Academy should sign him up to keep that Oscar gig until the end of time. Normally we don't have any inclination to watch any awards show but if Mr. Stewart is going to host I'd watch an award show on the Fishing Channel. (I don't even know if such a channel even exists - but I just had to choose an example that normally makes me gag or fall asleep - or both.) Seriously, the man is smart, quickwitted, snarky as hell, and a writer. That puts him at the top of the class in my book. THEN ... add the fact that the lucky son-of-gun got to work with Kevin Smith, for heaven's sake. I don't even know how to rate that high ...

... seriously ... Kevin Smith !!

Saturday Outing

We drove out to Henderson yesterday to see the da Vinci Experience. It was absolutely amazing! The kids (Kaitlin, Payton and Andrew) had as much fun as the grown-ups (my mom, Kirk, Anne and I).

Seeing the reproductions of his drawings and mechanical creations, pages from his journals, and especially his paintings was fantastic. I think I could have spent hours and hours wandering and studying everything.

He was such an extraordinarily brilliant and gifted man, and in so many fields of study; anatomy, painting, sculpture, botany, mechanics, and writing ... it just boggles the mind.

Now I've got plans to head to the library tomorrow to find some books on this incredible man. I thought I knew a lot about his life until yesterday, but I was so wrong!

Here is a quote attributed to Leonardo:

The natural desire of good men is knowledge.

(As a confirmed and unapologetic library geek - I have a deep appreciation for that point of view)

E.L. Kongsburg said about him:

[Leonardo] could not look at things made by God without wondering how He had made them,and he could not look at things made by man without thinking of some way to make them better.

Update

Good evening all -

Today is my (newly engaged) sister-in-law Kelly's birthday ...

Happy Birthday !!!

... when I posted the news about her engagement I didn't want to post the picture of her engagement ring until I asked her permission first. Happily, we talked to her tonight and she was kind enough to give me the O.K.

I know, posting a picture of someone's hand may not seem like publishing state secrets but I know that I'd rather have some goofy relative check with me first before they start putting pictures of my new rock up for all to see!

Who am I kidding? When I got engaged I showed my ring off to everyone who came within 50 feet of me. (Poor souls) But Kelly is a bit more private than I was and I totally respect that. All the same - we are still tickled pink for the two of them ... and I am allowed to brag!!

So if you have an extra minute of two, scroll down and check out the posting from February 13th. And while you're at it - send out some good wishes for the happy couple !!

Cheers!

Shelby and Annabelle

We found one more picture I just had to share. This is a picture of two of our three furry kids... Annabelle and Shelby.

Awwwww!

Our black lab Shelby, who happens to weigh a good 200 pounds but thinks that she's a lapdog. The sweetest dog you will ever meet ... and if you're thinking I'm kidding about the lapdog comment just give her half a chance and she'll prove it.
I know the picture is blurred but you have no idea what we went through just to get this one!


Things You Can Learn From Your Dog

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

New Look

Hey hey hey !!!

Whatcha think about the new layout and colors for my blog?

Pretty sweet, right?

It's all Anne's fault, of course. She went and updated her blog and it looks awesome ... which made me realize that I've never customized my template much. So, I started perusing the choices and came up with this ...

I think I like it !!

Cheers!

Honor Roll

Payton made the "A" Honor Roll !!

We got to go to the school for the awards assembly and I thought I'd post the pictures so everyone could see our smart little man!

The guy in the brown shirt with the stripe across the chest is Payton's friend Andrew ... he and Payt hang out together nearly every day. His mom Anne is my FlyLady buddy.

Ms. Stone is the kids' fantastic teacher. She is awesome - really positive and supportive of the kids.

Congratulations kids !! Whoo-hoo !!

Happy News

Yesterday, my sister-in-law Kelly and her longtime boyfriend Matt got ENGAGED !!

Yipee !!!

He did it in such a sweet, romantic and classy way also - just perfect. He proposed to her exactly 6 years after they met ... almost to the exact minute. Isn't that just too much?

The kids are overjoyed ... they've been calling him Uncle Matt forever anyway. It's nice that it's finally "official."

Kudos and congratulations and hugs and kisses to them both !!

XOXOXOXO

Frustration !!!

O.K. ... deep breath ...

There is nothing like spending the last hour trying to get something as simple as Google AdSense set up with my blog/website and realizing that time after time, screen after screen, I've failed miserably.

What a freakin' waste of time!!!

I've got my Google and Adsense account registered - but do you think I can finish the set up? NOOOOOO !!! This is only about the fourth time in the last six months I've tried. Damn!

I am so pissed off and discouraged I want to chuck the whole computer out the window.

O.K. cool down. Can't use this blog just to rant about every little thing that torques me off - can I?

On a more positive note - the morning started out great. Got the kids off to school and then colored my hair while I watched The DaVinci Code. Sweeeeet!! Washed the color out and patted myself on the back for covering every one of those pesky little grey hairs. The color looks fabulous and my hair is soft as can be.

Then I just had to push my luck and jump on the computer to try my hand at the damn Google stomach-churning, mind-numbing experience. Again.

Double Damn!

I'll post more later because I actually have some good news to share ... but I don't want the whining of this posting to taint it.

See you in a little while ....

... I think I need a cookie ... :)

I admit it.
I am seriously addicted to the gossip websites.

Most mornings, after I send the kids off to school, you would find me parked in front of the computer reading TMZ, X17, Dlisted, SeriouslyOMG and HolyMoly.
I can't explain this attachment I have. Maybe it started with my age-old guilty pleasure of reading The Enquirer during my lunch breaks from work. It just adds a touch of insane perspective to my day.
Whatever.
It is what it is... and I don't apologize for it.

However ... today I found an interesting tidbit on one of my favorites ... HolyMoly. It's a UK-based gossip site that I, a confirmed slave to all things British, love and adore. Even if they are so mean sometimes it makes me cringe.

That being said - they published this little article this morning that I just had to share. Finally, a gossip site has rethought the intrusion of the paparazzi and has laid down some new ground rules. I was pleasantly suprised at this posting but will be very impressed if they stick with it.

Check it out for yourself:

http://www.holymoly.co.uk/news/28/no-more-intrusive-paparazzi-photos-on-holy-moly-2434.html

Cheers!

Dad and Harley

My Dad just sent me this picture of himself and Harley. She just invited herself up onto his lap and laid across his newspaper to get some attention. Classic!

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I have religious differences. He thinks he's God and I don't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8..Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9..I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
11..NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think - and forget to start again?
16..Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18..Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a 'handicap'. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music .
28..The original point and click interface - was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Monday

So, today was one of the more positive and productive Mondays I have had in a long time. I've partnered up with my friend and neighbor (who is also the mom of my son Payton's best bud) to dive back in to the FlyLady life.
For those of you who have never visited the website ... try it out. If you would like to get more control over the chaos of your home - this is the place to be.

www.flylady.net

Speaking for myself ... I need it! My house always looks as if it was just searched by the police. Everything hanging out out cupboards and drawers and random bits of clutter on every flat surface.

I like to think of it as a late New Year's Resolution. Better late than never, right?

Thanks to this new urge for cleaning and organization, my kitchen sink is shiny and clean, I got laundry done and we walked to and from the school this afternoon to pick up the boys. Not the Mount Everest of a list of accomplishments but I don't care. I feel productive and happy.
And when all is said and done, if you can go to bed without mentally beating yourself up for all you didn't get done that day it counts as a win in my book.

Cheers !!