Screaming My Heart Out

Time to rip off the layer of self-protection and expose myself. I usually try to keep my posts funny and light-hearted to avoid dwelling on my personal stresses. You've heard me reference the stress and depression and money woes - but I've only skimmed the surface.

As of today - I've reached the point of no return.

This is a huge - angst-filled, ranting, raving, whiney, angry, revealing post. You may want to skip it. If you do - I understand.


A little history ...
My beloved husband and I quit our jobs almost a year ago after decades in service. I left ophthalmology after 18 years of working for a few different practices and he left a managerial-retail-warehouse career after 18 years ... with the same frickin' company.

I quit because I couldn't take the back-stabbing co-workers (one of which I recommended to be hired!) that delighted in making my every day an experience in torture. I'd lost the deep love I had for my career - I didn't make a difference any more. I became physically sick in the mornings before having to leave for the office. I'd spent years developing trusting relationships with my patients and my doctors, and two little vipers had infiltrated my happy den. One morning, Kirk asked me what I would do if I had any career in the world to choose from. That was an easy choice. I wanted to spend more time with my kids and husband, and see if I could make a go of my freelance and novel-writing career.

He quit because the overall attitude of his company had changed, and had gone from the original idea of "take care of the employees and the employees will take good care of the customers" to "work your employees to within an inch of their sanity and if they bend - fire them." He had seen his mentor attacked for a random act of kindness to his staff, and then forced into early retirement. He had watched as more and more decades-long employees folded under the pressure of the 6-day (10- hour) work weeks and negative reinforcement, verbal abuse and toxic environment. He left to start his own business in partners with his longtime mentor and another longtime co-worker and close friend. The three of them started a company to help people caught in foreclosure; to help them negotiate with the lenders to save the house, or at worst, organize a quick-sale to help them retain some equity. It was supposed to be a good-karmic business - to help people in need and enable the partners to support their own families in the process.

Unfortunately, it soon became clear that the people that contacted the company were too far into the foreclosure process before they asked for help, or IDIOTS that owned multiple properties and were SHOCKED that a magic wand couldn't be waved to fix the trouble. The partners soon realized that the average homeowners they wanted to reach were in such denial about the foreclosure that they ignored the mailings and advertisements that were sent out until it was too late.

The partners then regrouped and began looking into purchasing and flipping previously foreclosed properties. This city is ripe with available properties, as we have the highest foreclosure rate in the country. (Last time I checked.) The only problem now is that this process takes time. And investors. And all three partners have bills to pay and families to support.

Fast forward ...

It has been five months since my hubby and I talked about it and realized it was time for him to start searching for a day job to carry us through until the "Flip" company takes off. My freelance earnings are not enough.

Can I just tell you how excruciating the last five months have been?

He starts off every morning by checking his email and sending out his resume and application to anything that is remotely possible.
He has two different so-called "experts" from employment agencies that have come up with ZERO possibilities.
He has discovered that three of the biggest job sites are thick with con artists seeking to steal his identity. He's received dozens of emails asking for his social security number to "process" his application. They have all turned out to be scams.
He had a meeting with an "employment specialist" who spent the first 45 minutes of the meeting telling my intelligent, hard-working, very capable husband every little thing that was wrong with him and those were the reasons he wasn't getting hired. In the last 10 minutes he became a "pal" who said that for a SIX THOUSAND dollar fee he would guarantee to find my hubby a job within a year. Can you say ... SCAM ???!!!
Kirk said it took all his self-control not to punch the guy in the face.

Today marks another "job fair" that my dear hubby has attended - only to discover that of the EIGHTY employers that were touted to attend - THREE are actually hiring. I am not exaggerating. I am not counting the LV Metro Police Dept and Fire Dept - but they are looking for 20-something men and women. All of the rest of them were at the job fair and admitted they did not have any current openings. So why the hell where they there?

I am angry, depressed and scared. Every day I see my husband - who could walk in and do ANY job someone gave him - beaten down by rejection after rejection. He has that Midwestern (Indiana) work ethic and has high morals, common sense and intelligence to boot. He started out with the company while he was in high school - pushing carts - and by the time he left he was the third-highest ranking person in the warehouse. He's fantastic with dealing with employee crises, troubleshooting, problem solving, employee motivation and morale, event planning, fundraising, scheduling, budgeting, marketing, surpassing corporate quotas and customer satisfaction. His skills could easily transfer to a hundred different companies.

But no one is hiring.

If you hear insane screaming late at night - just know that it is me - overcome by insomnia and anxiety - caterwauling at the moon.
I've prayed till it felt like my words were little pebbles down an empty well.
I've "Let Go and Let God."
I've said countless Novenas.
I've done any random act of kindness I could think of to strangers in the world.
I'm about to head to a New Age shop and get a batch of crystals and candles.
I'd dance naked under a full moon if it would work.
If you pray - to God, Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mary or the Universe - whatever you believe ... add a line for us.
Please.
I can't stand to see the love of my life have his self-esteem and husband-father-provider image chipped away at like this.


O.K. That was the most revealing and soul-baring post I think I've ever done. I need to take a deep breath and go do something light hearted and leave this alone for now. I'll be back when I have something silly and funny to post about again ...